New Years Eve, 2010

I'm sitting at home this New Year's Eve with Lanie.  I am very content with this.  I just told Lanie as I put her to bed that this is her very first New Year's Eve but we will have many more to spend together.  I am excited for this new year ahead of us.  I am starting to make plans for the beginning of this year as we have a lot going on in the first few months of 2011. 

In January I have a wedding shower to attend for my future sister in law, then her wedding to my future brother in law.  In February we have Lanie's first birthday in which we will have a party and invite the extended family and any of the special friends from the Y.  In March we have Hannah's birthday and then the family reunion.

We actually have a bit of stuff to do before the family reunion.  I want the house to be at its best so we have some repairs and cosmetics to do.  My resolutions have a bit to do with that.  I want to start getting things organized and then have a list of things to start.

1.  Organize the house and closets to make best use of space.
2.  Re-caulk the bath tubs.
3. Clean the carpets throughout the house.
4.  Get two new chairs for the living room if possible.  If not possible, cover.

The goals for myself are as follows:

1.  Make a decision about marrying Thomas and then set the date.  The date cannot be before October 2011.
2.  Find a job or start working on a business from home.
3.  Work on improving my health. 

I just want to keep it simple this year, spend as much time with Lanie as I can and just be happy and content.

The After Christmas Blues

Usually after Christmas I kind of have the blues because everyone leaves and the house is so quiet but this year I am so glad that they have all left, that the house is quiet and that I do not have to cook.  I cooked for 6 days straight-four of those days being breakfast, lunch and dinner!  I was exhausted by the time they all left and then still had Thomas' family and extended family Christmas'. 

We had a wonderful time with all the kids here.  It was mostly a pleasant holiday although Narvella was upset about Tonya being gone but that was to be expected.  Toni, of course, would not give her mother a break and would also not take care of her children.  She expected everyone else to do it for her.  She brought along Anthony and Martha which I thought was going to be a major pain but since they watched the kids during the time they were here, it was very helpful.  Martha is a real sweetie and they both know how to be house guests.  They left on Christmas Eve and Onieta and her family stayed until Christmas morning. 

We got family pictures taken and I can't wait to get them back.  Oneita said that Mason cried all the way through them but that she expected that.  She calls him the fun sucker because he sucks the fun out of everything.  But the kid is just so cute you can't help but forgive him.

Thomas and I went to his brother's house for Christmas dinner. We had a nice time and everyone was there.  I was very humbled because we could not afford to do much for them and his one brother and sister in law went all out.  They always do and it just makes me feel uncomfortable.  I hope that we can return the favor someday.

The day after Christmas we went to the extended family Christmas.  Thomas actually had to work which I am rather grateful for because it gave Debbie and I a chance to talk.  He told the family of our postponement, which I really was surprised about, and Debbie and I talked a lot.  She actually told Thomas that if he messed up this relationship with me, she was going to keep me and toss him out of the family and that the rest of the family felt the same way.  I did tell her then that I would have given up on the relationship a long time ago had it not been for Thomas' family.  They are all just so wonderful.

I do have to say though that Thomas and I had a good Christmas day.  It started out rough but I just told him that if he was going to be obnoxious that Lanie and I would just stay home.  After that we had a nice time.  No fighting on the way out or the way back.  We had a nice time while we were there.  Lanie fell and conked her head but that is really a normal thing, she is a baby after all. 

So today I am just trying to get back to normal.  We took a few of the lights down yesterday, today I am trying to do some laundry and just slowly get things back to normal.  I need to take some time and write down goals for the next year but I have a lot of thinking to do before then.  I will probably write them in here too but I need to do some discussing in my brain before then.

Happy Holidays!

I feel like I made the right decision in postponing the wedding.  Thomas and I had an argument last night and I told him that I just wanted to end this relationship.  I am tired of being his maid or his mother.  I don't appreciate the fact that he does nothing for his own upkeep except shower and change clothes.  I do the wash, fold them put them away; I also fix his meals, pack his lunch, do the dishes, the shopping, putting all the food away...the only thing I don't do for him is wipe his butt!  He would like it if I did that too.  I told him that I was tired of his attitude and that I will never, ever go shopping or run his errands with him again.  That is just too painful.  He just does not get it and I cannot seem to get him to understand it. 

In the meantime, I am getting ready for Christmas.  I have finished the shopping and need to finish the baking.  I have Sugar cookies baked and partially decorated.  I have Peanut Butter Cookies mixed up but not baked.  John and I are going grocery shopping tomorrow and I will be able to finish the baking this weekend I hope.  Monday I will need to call and see if I can get an appointment for Lanie as I had to cancel yesterday because I fell on the ice and hurt my back, hip and legs.  I also need to stop by Unemployment for my 4 week check in.  I need to start cleaning this house and the bunk beds will be delivered on Monday.  We are renting beds for the kids just for the wee so they have a place to sleep.

I talked with Linda this afternoon (my future sister-in-law (maybe)).  She is pregnant with a baby boy.  She wanted to share the news but I cannot say anything because John has not told his brothers yet.  Linda is hoping he will tell them this weekend so she can share the news but she knew that she could tell me because I won't say anything.  Hopefully none of my future in laws know about or read this blog.

Over the next few weeks or months I have some decisions to make in regards to my relationship with Thomas.  I have to see if this relationship is going to work.  I do know that I do not want to live the rest of my life as I am right now.  I do not have to stay with someone who makes me feel crappy about myself.  There will be much more of this in my future blogs.

Decisions, Decisions

I have postponed my wedding.  There are many reasons but the reason I told my fiance is that we cannot afford it.  I need to find a job and get some money set aside because I do want a wedding not just show up at the Justice of the Peace.  The truth is that we have a lot of issues to work out if we are really going to do this.  I need to know that he is going to be honest with me. I am so tired of catching him in stupid lies that really don't mean a thing.  He actually thinks that I still believes he is part of the police department.  I have known since the second day I knew him that he is a security officer, not a police officer and that does not really matter to me but some of the other things do.  He still have not come clean about his education.  He told me when we met that he had his doctorate in Psychology.  I don't think he ever went to college.  Again, that is not all that important but the fact that he lied and is still not telling me the truth is a BIG RED FLAG!  He tells my family that he makes so much more money than he does, he exaggerates our house to everyone he talks to.  I cannot live with the knowlege that he lies to everyone about everything.  Yes, I can sift through those lies but why should I have to?!

Today I spent the day running around with Haley.  I took her to the Navy Recruit office and she took another test.  She did not do very well on it so on the way home I bought her a book that will help her study for it. I really am pushing her to go into the Navy.  She seriously needs to get out of St. Louis and away from not only her friends here but away from Carmela and Jeff.  That house is just so negative for her.  She still maintains that she is innocent of the conspiracy to steal Jeff's gun but according the Jeff, the Prosecuting attorney has given her the choice to go to the service or go to jail.  I told her that if she is innocent then she still needs to get away from this atmosphere, especially Jeff and if she is guilty then she has received an incredible gift of being given a choice instead of arrested for conspiracy!  She has finally agreed so I am going to push like heck!

Unemployment Blues just keep on playing

I just found out that the Unemployment Benefits have not yet been extended and I have no more benefits.  Don't know what I am going to do now!  This definetely puts a damper on my Christmas.   I still have a lot of people to shop for and only $80 in which to do it and I have a car payment and Laclede Gas payment coming up.  this should be loads of fun.

Unemployment Blues

My regular Unemployment Benefits have run out and now I have to apply for extended benefits.  I am not sure how to do that and plan on tackling that tomorrow.  Always fun, fun and more fun!

I did some Christmas shopping today and probably should have not done that in light of my benefits running out.  Oh well, it will work out somehow.  Thomas may have to pitch in a little more than he anticipated.  I have actually had a good day today.  I took Lanie with me shopping this morning.  We were'nt gone that long as we did not have a whole lot of money to spend but it was a nice time.  I so much enjoy taking her wherever I go.  I just love to be with her and take care of her.  We went to the bank and then to KMart.  I paid off Thomas' wedding ring and got 5 people taken care of.  Supposedly the extensions were signed into law by Obama yesterday.  I really hope that is right because I don't know what I am going to do otherwise. 

I know, this is not a very fun read today so I will close and try to get Lanie to sleep.  We are trying to get her to sleep in her crib and not in the swings and it is very difficult.  She is having a hard time.  She will get used to it eventually...I hope!

Decisions to make

As I have written before, I am getting married in March.  Just a little background, I am 51 years old and have never been married, have no children and am in the first "real" relationship of my life.  I want to be married so bad I may be making bad choices right now.  Thomas is a good guy but he has some serious issues and I am trying to decide if I am willing to marry him because I just want to be married or if I truly want to marry him.  I am completely in love with his family and that is a huge reason for me to want to marry him.  They have enveloped me and Lanie into their lives and I truly think that they are just so happy that Thomas has found someone that wants to marry him that they want to be extra nice to me so I don't change my mind.  Every time I see Josanna she asks the same question, "Are you two still getting married in March?"  Like she expects me to change my mind.  It is kind of scary. 

Thomas is like a 12 year old boy, just hitting puberty and I don't think he will ever grow up.  Some people think that this is one of his charms, and it is for a little while.  But that 12 year old boy gets on my nerves.  He has the sense of humor of that 12 year old boy, the emotional capacity of that 12 year old boy and the actions of that 12 year old boy.  Our bedroom looks like that of a teenage boy and he is unable to keep his stuff picked up and put away.  I feel like his mother constantly telling him to clean his room.  I am trying very hard to have a grown up room and a grown up relationship but we can't seem to do it.  I seem to take on more and more of his responsibilities.  I do this to make our life run better but it just seems like I am taking the place of his mother or being his babysitter.  He calls it "handling" him but I call it babysitting.  He wants me to anticipate and tend to his every need before he knows he needs it and that is just want my last boss wanted and why I was fired.  I can't do that, I don't want to do that and I certainly don't want the rest of my life to be babysitting my husband. 

So-what do I do about this?  How to I let Thomas know how I feel without making this about his failures?  Every time I try to talk to him about these issues it turns into "my parents didn't love me as much as they did my brothers", My brothers treat me like I am the "special" child...and on and on.  I would like to talk with his Psychiatrist and see if there are different medications for him or if this is the best it will be.  And if this is the best it will be then where do I go from here? 

I had hoped that he would just get unhappy and leave but why should he leave when he is perfectly happy with having me take care of him?  That will not happen so I have to make the decision.  Quite honestly we need his portion of the rent to keep this house and his name is on the lease.  I think we are pretty much stuck with him until the year runs out and we can take his name off the lease and by then I need to have a decent job that will allow me to be able to afford our half of the expenses. I can do that...my job before was enough for that and I am hoping that the economy will pick up soon and I can find something good.

Such decision I have to make...not fun!