New Years Eve, 2010

I'm sitting at home this New Year's Eve with Lanie.  I am very content with this.  I just told Lanie as I put her to bed that this is her very first New Year's Eve but we will have many more to spend together.  I am excited for this new year ahead of us.  I am starting to make plans for the beginning of this year as we have a lot going on in the first few months of 2011. 

In January I have a wedding shower to attend for my future sister in law, then her wedding to my future brother in law.  In February we have Lanie's first birthday in which we will have a party and invite the extended family and any of the special friends from the Y.  In March we have Hannah's birthday and then the family reunion.

We actually have a bit of stuff to do before the family reunion.  I want the house to be at its best so we have some repairs and cosmetics to do.  My resolutions have a bit to do with that.  I want to start getting things organized and then have a list of things to start.

1.  Organize the house and closets to make best use of space.
2.  Re-caulk the bath tubs.
3. Clean the carpets throughout the house.
4.  Get two new chairs for the living room if possible.  If not possible, cover.

The goals for myself are as follows:

1.  Make a decision about marrying Thomas and then set the date.  The date cannot be before October 2011.
2.  Find a job or start working on a business from home.
3.  Work on improving my health. 

I just want to keep it simple this year, spend as much time with Lanie as I can and just be happy and content.

The After Christmas Blues

Usually after Christmas I kind of have the blues because everyone leaves and the house is so quiet but this year I am so glad that they have all left, that the house is quiet and that I do not have to cook.  I cooked for 6 days straight-four of those days being breakfast, lunch and dinner!  I was exhausted by the time they all left and then still had Thomas' family and extended family Christmas'. 

We had a wonderful time with all the kids here.  It was mostly a pleasant holiday although Narvella was upset about Tonya being gone but that was to be expected.  Toni, of course, would not give her mother a break and would also not take care of her children.  She expected everyone else to do it for her.  She brought along Anthony and Martha which I thought was going to be a major pain but since they watched the kids during the time they were here, it was very helpful.  Martha is a real sweetie and they both know how to be house guests.  They left on Christmas Eve and Onieta and her family stayed until Christmas morning. 

We got family pictures taken and I can't wait to get them back.  Oneita said that Mason cried all the way through them but that she expected that.  She calls him the fun sucker because he sucks the fun out of everything.  But the kid is just so cute you can't help but forgive him.

Thomas and I went to his brother's house for Christmas dinner. We had a nice time and everyone was there.  I was very humbled because we could not afford to do much for them and his one brother and sister in law went all out.  They always do and it just makes me feel uncomfortable.  I hope that we can return the favor someday.

The day after Christmas we went to the extended family Christmas.  Thomas actually had to work which I am rather grateful for because it gave Debbie and I a chance to talk.  He told the family of our postponement, which I really was surprised about, and Debbie and I talked a lot.  She actually told Thomas that if he messed up this relationship with me, she was going to keep me and toss him out of the family and that the rest of the family felt the same way.  I did tell her then that I would have given up on the relationship a long time ago had it not been for Thomas' family.  They are all just so wonderful.

I do have to say though that Thomas and I had a good Christmas day.  It started out rough but I just told him that if he was going to be obnoxious that Lanie and I would just stay home.  After that we had a nice time.  No fighting on the way out or the way back.  We had a nice time while we were there.  Lanie fell and conked her head but that is really a normal thing, she is a baby after all. 

So today I am just trying to get back to normal.  We took a few of the lights down yesterday, today I am trying to do some laundry and just slowly get things back to normal.  I need to take some time and write down goals for the next year but I have a lot of thinking to do before then.  I will probably write them in here too but I need to do some discussing in my brain before then.

Happy Holidays!

I feel like I made the right decision in postponing the wedding.  Thomas and I had an argument last night and I told him that I just wanted to end this relationship.  I am tired of being his maid or his mother.  I don't appreciate the fact that he does nothing for his own upkeep except shower and change clothes.  I do the wash, fold them put them away; I also fix his meals, pack his lunch, do the dishes, the shopping, putting all the food away...the only thing I don't do for him is wipe his butt!  He would like it if I did that too.  I told him that I was tired of his attitude and that I will never, ever go shopping or run his errands with him again.  That is just too painful.  He just does not get it and I cannot seem to get him to understand it. 

In the meantime, I am getting ready for Christmas.  I have finished the shopping and need to finish the baking.  I have Sugar cookies baked and partially decorated.  I have Peanut Butter Cookies mixed up but not baked.  John and I are going grocery shopping tomorrow and I will be able to finish the baking this weekend I hope.  Monday I will need to call and see if I can get an appointment for Lanie as I had to cancel yesterday because I fell on the ice and hurt my back, hip and legs.  I also need to stop by Unemployment for my 4 week check in.  I need to start cleaning this house and the bunk beds will be delivered on Monday.  We are renting beds for the kids just for the wee so they have a place to sleep.

I talked with Linda this afternoon (my future sister-in-law (maybe)).  She is pregnant with a baby boy.  She wanted to share the news but I cannot say anything because John has not told his brothers yet.  Linda is hoping he will tell them this weekend so she can share the news but she knew that she could tell me because I won't say anything.  Hopefully none of my future in laws know about or read this blog.

Over the next few weeks or months I have some decisions to make in regards to my relationship with Thomas.  I have to see if this relationship is going to work.  I do know that I do not want to live the rest of my life as I am right now.  I do not have to stay with someone who makes me feel crappy about myself.  There will be much more of this in my future blogs.

Decisions, Decisions

I have postponed my wedding.  There are many reasons but the reason I told my fiance is that we cannot afford it.  I need to find a job and get some money set aside because I do want a wedding not just show up at the Justice of the Peace.  The truth is that we have a lot of issues to work out if we are really going to do this.  I need to know that he is going to be honest with me. I am so tired of catching him in stupid lies that really don't mean a thing.  He actually thinks that I still believes he is part of the police department.  I have known since the second day I knew him that he is a security officer, not a police officer and that does not really matter to me but some of the other things do.  He still have not come clean about his education.  He told me when we met that he had his doctorate in Psychology.  I don't think he ever went to college.  Again, that is not all that important but the fact that he lied and is still not telling me the truth is a BIG RED FLAG!  He tells my family that he makes so much more money than he does, he exaggerates our house to everyone he talks to.  I cannot live with the knowlege that he lies to everyone about everything.  Yes, I can sift through those lies but why should I have to?!

Today I spent the day running around with Haley.  I took her to the Navy Recruit office and she took another test.  She did not do very well on it so on the way home I bought her a book that will help her study for it. I really am pushing her to go into the Navy.  She seriously needs to get out of St. Louis and away from not only her friends here but away from Carmela and Jeff.  That house is just so negative for her.  She still maintains that she is innocent of the conspiracy to steal Jeff's gun but according the Jeff, the Prosecuting attorney has given her the choice to go to the service or go to jail.  I told her that if she is innocent then she still needs to get away from this atmosphere, especially Jeff and if she is guilty then she has received an incredible gift of being given a choice instead of arrested for conspiracy!  She has finally agreed so I am going to push like heck!

Unemployment Blues just keep on playing

I just found out that the Unemployment Benefits have not yet been extended and I have no more benefits.  Don't know what I am going to do now!  This definetely puts a damper on my Christmas.   I still have a lot of people to shop for and only $80 in which to do it and I have a car payment and Laclede Gas payment coming up.  this should be loads of fun.

Unemployment Blues

My regular Unemployment Benefits have run out and now I have to apply for extended benefits.  I am not sure how to do that and plan on tackling that tomorrow.  Always fun, fun and more fun!

I did some Christmas shopping today and probably should have not done that in light of my benefits running out.  Oh well, it will work out somehow.  Thomas may have to pitch in a little more than he anticipated.  I have actually had a good day today.  I took Lanie with me shopping this morning.  We were'nt gone that long as we did not have a whole lot of money to spend but it was a nice time.  I so much enjoy taking her wherever I go.  I just love to be with her and take care of her.  We went to the bank and then to KMart.  I paid off Thomas' wedding ring and got 5 people taken care of.  Supposedly the extensions were signed into law by Obama yesterday.  I really hope that is right because I don't know what I am going to do otherwise. 

I know, this is not a very fun read today so I will close and try to get Lanie to sleep.  We are trying to get her to sleep in her crib and not in the swings and it is very difficult.  She is having a hard time.  She will get used to it eventually...I hope!

Decisions to make

As I have written before, I am getting married in March.  Just a little background, I am 51 years old and have never been married, have no children and am in the first "real" relationship of my life.  I want to be married so bad I may be making bad choices right now.  Thomas is a good guy but he has some serious issues and I am trying to decide if I am willing to marry him because I just want to be married or if I truly want to marry him.  I am completely in love with his family and that is a huge reason for me to want to marry him.  They have enveloped me and Lanie into their lives and I truly think that they are just so happy that Thomas has found someone that wants to marry him that they want to be extra nice to me so I don't change my mind.  Every time I see Josanna she asks the same question, "Are you two still getting married in March?"  Like she expects me to change my mind.  It is kind of scary. 

Thomas is like a 12 year old boy, just hitting puberty and I don't think he will ever grow up.  Some people think that this is one of his charms, and it is for a little while.  But that 12 year old boy gets on my nerves.  He has the sense of humor of that 12 year old boy, the emotional capacity of that 12 year old boy and the actions of that 12 year old boy.  Our bedroom looks like that of a teenage boy and he is unable to keep his stuff picked up and put away.  I feel like his mother constantly telling him to clean his room.  I am trying very hard to have a grown up room and a grown up relationship but we can't seem to do it.  I seem to take on more and more of his responsibilities.  I do this to make our life run better but it just seems like I am taking the place of his mother or being his babysitter.  He calls it "handling" him but I call it babysitting.  He wants me to anticipate and tend to his every need before he knows he needs it and that is just want my last boss wanted and why I was fired.  I can't do that, I don't want to do that and I certainly don't want the rest of my life to be babysitting my husband. 

So-what do I do about this?  How to I let Thomas know how I feel without making this about his failures?  Every time I try to talk to him about these issues it turns into "my parents didn't love me as much as they did my brothers", My brothers treat me like I am the "special" child...and on and on.  I would like to talk with his Psychiatrist and see if there are different medications for him or if this is the best it will be.  And if this is the best it will be then where do I go from here? 

I had hoped that he would just get unhappy and leave but why should he leave when he is perfectly happy with having me take care of him?  That will not happen so I have to make the decision.  Quite honestly we need his portion of the rent to keep this house and his name is on the lease.  I think we are pretty much stuck with him until the year runs out and we can take his name off the lease and by then I need to have a decent job that will allow me to be able to afford our half of the expenses. I can do that...my job before was enough for that and I am hoping that the economy will pick up soon and I can find something good.

Such decision I have to make...not fun!

Planning for Thanksgiving

Narvella and I have been sick for about 10 days.  We had my niece Haley come over for 4 of those days to take care of Lanie because we just could not do it.  I could barely hold my head up and was coughing, sneezing, blowing my nose constantly and just felt plane icky.  Narvella was in the same boat.  We finally got Z packs and that seemed to help.  We are both feeling fairly good now and Narvella is going back to work for the first time in 9 days. 

Tomorrow I have to take Lanie to her doctors appointment for her 9 month shots.  She has a runny nose so they may not give them to her, although the H1N1 needs to be followed up in 30 days exactly.   We are going to run around for Haley afterwards-she needs to go to DFS, Unemployment and somewhere else-I don't remember what.

Today I have been watching Christmas movies. I know it is a bit early but this is going to be a good Christmas for me.  I know it is going to be very hard on Narvella and John but I am going to do my best to make it a good one.  I need to be respectful of their feelings but I also need to be true to myself.  This is Lanie's first Christmas and I plan on making it a happy one. 

November already!

I cannot believe it is the middle of November!  Lanie will be 9 months old next week.  Even though she has only been with us for 5 months, I don't remember what life was like before she came. 

Lanie is scooting very fast, walking around furniture now and babbling a lot!  We all try to get her to say our titles...grandma, papa, auntie...she just says nonsensical syllables.  We all do our best to talk back with her, trying to have conversations because we read where it is good for them to do that, it will help them to talk faster.

I am still not back at work but not too worried about it, just enjoying the time I get to stay with Lanie.  I took her with me grocery shopping today and it always amazes me just how often people stop and tell me how beautiful she is.  No matter where I go someone stops me and comments on how cute she is or how beautiful her eyes are. 

Last month I went to Shop and Save-we had decided it was closer and we would try to go there instead of Schnucks even though I love going to Schnucks.  My groceries were being checked out by the clerk and he stopped right in the middle and leaned over Lanie and said in a totally monotone voice, "ooooh, aaaah, what a beautiful baby."  I looked at him and said, "excuse me?"  He then stated, "We're supposed to ooh and aaah over the babies, its mandatory."  I just looked at him and said, "I don't really give a rat's ass if you think my child is beautiful or not, I do and that is all that really matters so you don't have to be so you don't have to be a condscending bastard about it."  Needless to say, I have not been back to that evil store!  Nonnie teases me about it but I don't care.  If he didn't want to comment on the baby he didn't have to.  I didn't ask him if he thought she was beautiful, I don't need his approval, just check out my groceries and shut the hell up!  Nonnie told me that I should have gone to the manager but I just couldn't do that.  Even as angry as he made me I could not be the cause of someone losing their job no matter how justified. 

Tonight while I was cooking dinner Thomas was keeping her occupied.  They were in the living room and it did not take much time for Lanie to start attacking his feet.  She loves feet!  I guess because they are the only thing at her level.  She also loves to try to get stuff out from under the couch.  She pushes her toys under there and then can't reach far enough to get them.  She then cries for about 20 seconds and tries again.  I let her try a few times before I get them for her.  She needs to try to figure it out for herself but if they are too far back then I have to help.  I will bring them within her reach and then let her get them from there.  It just amazes me how she figures things out.

Whew! We are moved

We are moved and mostly unpacked.  I was amazed at the amount of people we had here to help us move.  On Friday we had 9 people and on Sunday about 15 I think.  Basically the guys moved the boxes and the women helped unpack them.  We were able to get the kitchen all done and then they helped me clean the old apartment.

We are settling into our new life.  I have the baby most of the time and that is fine with me but the time will come when I will need to start looking for a job.  I am seriously hoping it will be after the holidays because I am so enjoying being home with Lanie. 

The other day I was listening to Bo Matthews on the radio and he asked if any had become what they dreamed of as a child.  I thought about what I wanted to be as a child and it was always "a mom".  Well it took me until I was 51 years old but I finally made it! 

Lanie is growing and changing every day.  She learns a little bit more daily and tries a few more things.  She totally amazes me.  She stood up in her crib the other day!  She had woken from her nap and there were some pictures that I wanted to put up in her room so I left her in her crib while I was doing it and she was just talking and babbling like babies do and then all the sudden she just pulled herself up and stood there holding onto the side of her crib...and me without the camera!  I called Nonnie and John so that they could see.  Lanie is so close to crawling-I think she will be crawling by Halloween.  Speaking of Halloween, we took Lanie and Hannah to get their pictures taken the other day in their Hallween costumes and in regular clothes.  They turned out very nice.  Hannah would not let us take any of her alone but we got some very cute ones of the two of them together.  The price was outrageous though-$170!  I wanted to get the CD and that is what cost so much.  I don't think I will be doing that one again.  The prints should be ready next Monday to pick up though.  I am excited about that. 

Ok, I think I am ready to go back to bed and I am hoping that Thomas has stopped snoring.  I will type later about plans for the wedding.

Life is looking good

We signed the lease on the new house today and get possession on Tuesday.  I am so excited!  I have boxes packed and stacked everywhere and cannot wait to have room to move and breath.  Even T is starting to get excited now.  Oh yeah...T asked me to marry him...and I said yes.  We will get married during our family reunion so that no one has to make another trip to Missouri.  It is going to be a small wedding and I will update as the plans come along.  The first priority is to get moved and get unpacked.  And then I am going to have to start looking for a job or at least a way to make money. 

I wrote an e-mail to a past co-worker and I am hoping she can give me a little more insight that will help me get my job back.  I really loved working for my last employer and would love to go back.  It was a great company, I just think they got pressured into firing me because of the Joint Venture company we were working with...or at least I like telling myself that!

I need to put some more pictures on here but don't know how.  I have so many cute pictures of baby!  I also need to learn how to get them off my phone camera!

That is all for tonight.  I will try to get back on soon!

Good News!

We have our house!  I am so excited.  We are supposed to move in it in September.  That gives us less than three weeks to pack.  I don't know how I am going to do this.  There is just so much stuff in this house and I know that I will be the one doing all the packing.  Nonnie is trying to get some help for us and I am going to ask my future in-laws for some muscle to help us move but I don't know how that will turn out.  My goal is to have absolutely everything in boxes so all the gang has to do is come in pick up a box and head out to the truck.  I need to reserve a truck tomorrow-I just have to figure out which weekend we are going to move.  Nonnie wants to move Labor Day weekend but I am afraid we will not get the help we need on that weekend because it is a holiday weekend. 

Lanie has discovered her tongue and it is so cute.  She sucks on her tongue all the time and blows raspberries.  She has also come up with a new noise-I cannot even describe it.  She sucks air in through her mouth with her tongue held to the roof of her mouth.  It took me awhile to figure out how she did it but it is so funny.  She is so tickelish so we spend  a lot of time tickling and laughing.  She also loves to give kisses but they are open mouth kisses in which she usually ends up sliming my cheek, or sucking on my nose or chin.  I really hope baby spit helps my skin look younger!

My posts may be sporadic for the next few weeks but I will try to keep everyone updated on our progress through this move.

Still looking for a house!

I know that we have only been looking for two weeks but it is getting very frustrating.  No one likes the same things and it seems as though it is the guys against the girls.  My sister and I like a place but the guys don't.  We have appointments to see three houses tomorrow-a 3 bedroom and two 4 bedroom homes.  We looked at a 3 bedroom tonight but it was way too small.  I don't think there was as much square footage in it as there is in my apartment.  This is getting on everyone's nerves and there have been a few blow ups but we will do this and come out stronger on the other side. 

In the meantime it is so wonderful to wake up to Lanie's smiles in the morning.  You cannot be in a bad mood when that beautiful baby smiles at you.  I hate the way that we got her but I thank god for her every day.  I never got to be a mom and this is my one and only chance and I am going to get every bit of joy out of it that I can.  T is really digging the "dad" thing too.  He loves to play with her and talk to her.  She smiles and coos at him and makes his day.  He loves showing people her picture too.  The other night we went out for dinner and he was showing pictures to our waitress!

I will update tomorrow on the house hunt.  Hopefully it will be done!

It's Thursday

This morning I was so tired I did not even hear the baby wake up.  T said that when he came home I didn't even stir.  Usually I have a very hard time sleeping and only sleep a couple of hours at a time but I hit the pillow last night and was gone!  I got up at 1:15 to go to the bathroom and then went back to bed and did not hear the baby cry at 6:30.  T came up from downstairs-as he had not gone to bed yet.  He got her out of bed, changed her diaper and put clean clothes on her before I ever heard them through the monitor.  This is so unusual for me because I usually wake up at her first stirring-she doesn't even have to cry.  This was the first time T has changed her diaper or her clothes and when we brought her downstairs he even fed her.  Yes, I got video!  It was very cute to see this.  I am very proud of him-and her-she was very patient with him.

Hopefully today we will be able to have the guys look at that house I like and we will be able to start the process of getting this house.  Wish us luck!

Life with the new baby

Life continues with the new baby.  My sister and I live next door to each other so in our innocent ignorance, we thought we would be fine in these places for a couple of years.  But then we started getting all the stuff we neeeded to rais the baby.  we of course needed 2 of everything so that we would not need to cart stuff back and forth.  This is all well and good except that we have no room in our apartments.  N and J have a small one bhedroom apartment and T and I have a 2 bedroom apartment.  I literally have a path from my front door through the living room into the kitchen to the back door.  around this path is baby stuff.  A swing, a bouncy chair, exersaucer, music thingy, pad for the baby to lay on on the floor-and then add in all the furniture we have for our own comfort and you have total chaos.

So, what are we doing about this?  We are looking for a house.  We need 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and a man cave.  We have looked at three and only one works for us and actually, I fell in love with the house.  We are taking the guys over to see it tomorrow so I hope they like it as much as I do.  The other three think we should look at 6-10 houses before making a decision but my opinion is, if this is the right house, snatch it up now before someone else does.  Besides that there are not 6 houses on the market that even meet the criteria to go look at.  Why waste time on ones that don't fit the very basics such as location and price.

I need to make some calls today on movers so I will get off here so I can.

Please stay tuned for more of my saga!

If there is one sure thing in life it is that it is always in a state of constant change. My life was going along fine. I have a good man in my life, a comfortable home, a good job and enough money to pay most of my bills in a timely manner. Life is going good until May 2010. I lost my job that I had had for over 6 years and the reasons they cited for firing were so bogus that I considered taking them to court because I honestly felt and still do feel that I was fired because I am too fat. That is a whole other story and one that I am not going to go into on this blog but may touch on it time and again. This blog is about what happens after that.


I received two weeks severence pay and 2 weeks vacation pay, plus I had a small amount of money in my 401k that I decided to cash out to pay up some bills ahead of time so that if it took me a while to find a job, at least I would not have to worry about rent, phone, electric, and gas. For the first time in my life I had a bit of money in the bank and it felt very nice.

The end of June I received a phone call that my 26 year old niece was killed in a car accident. She had been living in another state and had her 4 month old baby with her. Thankfully she was killed instantly and did not suffer but she left her 3 year old daughter-who was living with her paternal grandmother and of course her 4 month old daughter who was in the accident with her. Praise be to all that is holy that her baby was strapped into her carseat appropriately and suffered no injury.

If this had been before I lost my job, we would not have had the money to go get the baby and take care of arrangements for my niece. As I stated before, I could pay my bills but neither I or her parents had any extra money and certainly not enough to make this trip and pay for all that needed to be done. I started to understand why things had happened the way they had. My sister, her husband and I loaded up my car and headed west to take care of all the things that needed to be done. We made an instant decision that the four of us (including my boyfriend) would raise this baby together so on the trip out there we occupied our minds with making plans to raise Lanie. My boyfriend rounded the troops up back here at home and procured most of the baby items we would need and so much other stuff would come from my sister and her husbands places of employment.

We took care of all the arrangements out west and them loaded up the car and came home. By the way, the first time through the mountains in Colorado was exciting and exhilerating but the second time, not so much. We were tired of mountains, tired of stting in the car and just wanted to get home. Six days after we started our journey we were back home and were astonished at all that had been delivered to our homes for the baby. Never in my life have I seen such an outpouring of love and kindness. We did not have to buy a thing for the baby-not even diapers or wipes. It was absolutely amazing.

Please check back tomorrow to see more of our story.