As the title says, I Am Always Angry! I wake up angry, I go to bed angry and am angry all day long. I cannot seem to get out of anger mode and if I do happen to smile or laugh, the anger is always there just under the surface. I do not like feeling this way and need to somehow get out of this because it is killing me. My stomach is constantly in knots and I am always eating. I have a permanent frown on my face and am starting to scare clients! I googled "How can I not be angry" and got a list of 10 ways to calm my anger but it just makes me angrier reading it because I keep thinking, "They don't know what it is like to have my 2 neices and my nephew living in their house, destroying their property and constantly bickering!
The good news is, the girls are leaving tomorrow! I hope and pray with all my heart that it happens. Toni has a second interview on Thursday so hopefully she will get that job. She also got a check yesterday that could help her get an apartment and should receive another one soon. I am praying that my sanity holds out!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
It is pretty bad when you would rather go to work than stay home!
This entire month has been a test of my patience and sanity. My neice and her children moved in with us on July 1st and I am so ready for them to be gone. They have pretty much destroyed everthing in our house and I just do not know how much more I can handle and really do not want to be tested on it. Not only are they destructive but they do not mind, do not think that the rules apply to them and treat Lanie like an unwanted dog. I, in turn, am turning into a first class *BITCH*! I seem to yell all the time, have a constant frown on my face and just cannot seem to enjoy anything anymore. I would rather be at work than at home. I would rather go hungry than go out to breakfast with them. The only reason I don't go look for a second job is that I really do need to be home with Lanie in the evening.
The girls leave on Thursday or Friday of this week but we will still have Levi and Toni. Toni has an interview today so hopefully she will ge the job and be on her way to getting her own apartment. Maybe she will even take a shower today! What a relief that will be. Their room stinks like body odor and cat litter box. What a joy!
Ok, have to leave this on a positive note:
I am having a hard time finding anything positive to put in here today. I find it very difficult to be positive at all right now. It is even hard to be happy around Lanie-at least for any length of time because the three hellions interject into our time. The only time I truly get alone with Lanie is if I sneak her off to the grocery store with me or when it is story time at bed time. I do love sitting on the floor and reading her stories at bedtime. She is so cute and is memorizing the stories because she will say them with me. This weekend instead of putting kisses in her pockets, she is putting them in an envelope and takes them out and eats them. So incredibly cute!
The girls leave on Thursday or Friday of this week but we will still have Levi and Toni. Toni has an interview today so hopefully she will ge the job and be on her way to getting her own apartment. Maybe she will even take a shower today! What a relief that will be. Their room stinks like body odor and cat litter box. What a joy!
Ok, have to leave this on a positive note:
I am having a hard time finding anything positive to put in here today. I find it very difficult to be positive at all right now. It is even hard to be happy around Lanie-at least for any length of time because the three hellions interject into our time. The only time I truly get alone with Lanie is if I sneak her off to the grocery store with me or when it is story time at bed time. I do love sitting on the floor and reading her stories at bedtime. She is so cute and is memorizing the stories because she will say them with me. This weekend instead of putting kisses in her pockets, she is putting them in an envelope and takes them out and eats them. So incredibly cute!
Monday, July 23, 2012
Hiding Kisses
This weekend was a good weekend...even though it was noisy! I was not prepared for the noise level that three little girls can make. There is not a moment of peace and quiet between 7:00 a.m. and 11:00 p.m. and it just drives me crazy! Even after I go to bed I hear running, jumping and slamming of doors downstairs. It just never stops!
Lanie was feeling a bit put out this weekend because her Cuzzies were being mean to her. They are just now all that baby friendly and try to keep her out of things by yelling and pushing her. She doesn't like that too well.
She also picked up something new this weekend. She hides kisses in her pockets. When I ask her to give me a kiss, she says she can't because "they are hiding in her pockies". I then ask her to take one out so I can have one. She pulls it out of her pockie and then puts it in her mouth and then is able to give me a kiss. It is just so cute!
Lanie was feeling a bit put out this weekend because her Cuzzies were being mean to her. They are just now all that baby friendly and try to keep her out of things by yelling and pushing her. She doesn't like that too well.
She also picked up something new this weekend. She hides kisses in her pockets. When I ask her to give me a kiss, she says she can't because "they are hiding in her pockies". I then ask her to take one out so I can have one. She pulls it out of her pockie and then puts it in her mouth and then is able to give me a kiss. It is just so cute!
I think I am really ready for the two girls-Jordan and Natalie-to go to their dads for the school year. I really thought they would be more help and more fun than they are. And they are if you can drag them away from the t.v. Everytime I need help or need to get their attention I have to go open their door and holler at them because they have the t.v. so loud that regular talking is not to be heard above it.
Isn't she just the cutest little girl? I just love her so much!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Forgot to post pictures!
I forgot to post pictures of my nieces new baby and her boys!
Baleigh-1 Week old
Baleigh in her blessing dress
Devon and Mason-best buds
Mason is so cheesy!
My Mind Tends to Wander
I have not been all that busy at work and it gives my mind time to wander. I'm not sure that is always a good idea. Sometimes I think constructive thoughts and am able work out little problems but other times it just opens the brain up to all kinds of musings and day dreams. I have a hard time being happy in the present. I always look for something better or happier. I strive for better things and while that can be good, too much of it causes me to not be happy with where I am now. I somehow need to strive to live in the here and now and be happy with what I have and where I am in life right now.
When it comes to enjoying the here and now with Lanie, I can do that. I am enjoying each stage she goes through and also keeping in mind that they will not last forever-that goes with the good and bad things. I look back on when we first got her and all the milestones she has hit and surpassed. I remember just holding her, looking at her, kissing her little fingers and toes and wanting to savor every precious moment with her because I was so afraid that someone was going to take her away from me. My life quickly started revolving around her. Everytime I go anywhere with or without Lanie, I think about her. What does Lanie need? What can I get to make her smile? Wouldn't that dress look so cute on her? I can't wait to get home to her.
At dinner every night I encourage her to eat all her dinner. I don't make her clean her plate but I do encourage her to eat and if she does not eat a sufficient amount I put it away and she will eat it later when she gets hungry. She does not like that because she wants a popcicle. Last night she ate very well and she got her popcicle. She was a very happy camper.
She was playing outside for a while and somehow broke the sprinkler. I had not even noticed that she was wet so I don't know how she did it. It seems like things get broken magically around our house. Oh and messes get made magically also. Our house is such a total disaster area right now that I really hate waking up in the morning and looking at it. I clean up everything at night, pick up toys, throw all the stuff away on kitchen counters, put food away or in the trash that has been left out-everything but doing the dishes. I fee that they can be done by the people at home all day long. And then I spend my entire weekend cleaning!
Toni still has not found a job. She hasn't even gone looking again since the one day 2 weeks ago. She has a bus pass that she has only used 2-3 times! She paid $72 for it and it is not being used. What a waste of money.
Ok, sorry for bitchin...back to the original premise of today's blog. I keep dreaming of a better life, a bigger-better house, better car, more money...whatever. I play the lottery about once a week and day dream about all the things I will do with the money if I win. I have a very active fantasy life but I think that is keeping from being happy and satisfied in the now. Or if I just try to be happy in the now will it depress me too much to function? I have always fantasized about bigger and better, prettier and skinnier. Even when I was young I would fantasize about growing up, having beautiful things...and I was always skinnier and much better looking than I am in real life. I think that is why I moved around so much when I was younger. I had "The grass is always greener" syndrome that my youngest sister still has. I don't move around so much now because I know that the grass is not always greener anywhere else. Better the devil you know than the one you don't know is now my motto!
When it comes to enjoying the here and now with Lanie, I can do that. I am enjoying each stage she goes through and also keeping in mind that they will not last forever-that goes with the good and bad things. I look back on when we first got her and all the milestones she has hit and surpassed. I remember just holding her, looking at her, kissing her little fingers and toes and wanting to savor every precious moment with her because I was so afraid that someone was going to take her away from me. My life quickly started revolving around her. Everytime I go anywhere with or without Lanie, I think about her. What does Lanie need? What can I get to make her smile? Wouldn't that dress look so cute on her? I can't wait to get home to her.
At dinner every night I encourage her to eat all her dinner. I don't make her clean her plate but I do encourage her to eat and if she does not eat a sufficient amount I put it away and she will eat it later when she gets hungry. She does not like that because she wants a popcicle. Last night she ate very well and she got her popcicle. She was a very happy camper.
She was playing outside for a while and somehow broke the sprinkler. I had not even noticed that she was wet so I don't know how she did it. It seems like things get broken magically around our house. Oh and messes get made magically also. Our house is such a total disaster area right now that I really hate waking up in the morning and looking at it. I clean up everything at night, pick up toys, throw all the stuff away on kitchen counters, put food away or in the trash that has been left out-everything but doing the dishes. I fee that they can be done by the people at home all day long. And then I spend my entire weekend cleaning!
Toni still has not found a job. She hasn't even gone looking again since the one day 2 weeks ago. She has a bus pass that she has only used 2-3 times! She paid $72 for it and it is not being used. What a waste of money.
Ok, sorry for bitchin...back to the original premise of today's blog. I keep dreaming of a better life, a bigger-better house, better car, more money...whatever. I play the lottery about once a week and day dream about all the things I will do with the money if I win. I have a very active fantasy life but I think that is keeping from being happy and satisfied in the now. Or if I just try to be happy in the now will it depress me too much to function? I have always fantasized about bigger and better, prettier and skinnier. Even when I was young I would fantasize about growing up, having beautiful things...and I was always skinnier and much better looking than I am in real life. I think that is why I moved around so much when I was younger. I had "The grass is always greener" syndrome that my youngest sister still has. I don't move around so much now because I know that the grass is not always greener anywhere else. Better the devil you know than the one you don't know is now my motto!
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Miss Lanie is really growing up!
It has been a little while since I last posted but really, nothing has been all that exciting. My neice and her two daughters have moved in with us for a short time...at least we hope it is a short time. We went out last weekend and I bought $118 worth of school supplies for them! Holy Cow!
It seems to be going ok for now. It is strange to have them in the house because we are in a routine of how we take care of Lanie and it involves locking doors, putting measures in place to protect stuff and her and it is hard to teach others to do the same. Lanie has spilled 2 pounds of yeast on the floor, emptied kool aid on the floor, spilled dog food, cat food and lord knows what else! It is almost impossible to keep her out of the bathroom now, not only because they forget to lock it but also because we are trying to do the potty training thing.
The other night I took her up to bed at 8:30 but I always give her about a 1/2 hour before I come back and read to her. Her room was a mess and had toys everywhere so I told her she needed to clean it up before I got back up to read her a story. I figured she would just play and nothing would get done but when I came back up she had picked up all her toys and put them in the toy box! I was totally amazed. I praised her like crazy and told her what a good girl she was.
We read every night and recently have gone back and forth between two books, I love you forever and I'll always love you. She chose I'll love you forever last night. I cry everytime I read that book so I decided a few days back that I would leave out the part where the son rocks the mom and sings her the song. I did and did not cry at all. Lanie keeps waiting for me to cry now. She touches my eyes and says "no crying?" I tell her, "Not this time!" She loves it at the end end because I pick her up and rock her in my arms and sing the little song, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as Long as I'm living my baby you'll be." I sing it about 4 or 5 times and then she is ready to go to sleep. I put her back in bed, kiss her on the lips and on the head, she kisses me back on the lips and on the head and out goes the lights and she sleeps the rest of the night. I am so greatful that bedtime is not drama time! We are not so lucky at dinner time though!
I am always so amazed at how she is growing, how much she is learning and all the little things along the way. I always knew that I would love a child that I was able to raise but I never knew how much until Miss Lanie-loo!
It seems to be going ok for now. It is strange to have them in the house because we are in a routine of how we take care of Lanie and it involves locking doors, putting measures in place to protect stuff and her and it is hard to teach others to do the same. Lanie has spilled 2 pounds of yeast on the floor, emptied kool aid on the floor, spilled dog food, cat food and lord knows what else! It is almost impossible to keep her out of the bathroom now, not only because they forget to lock it but also because we are trying to do the potty training thing.
The other night I took her up to bed at 8:30 but I always give her about a 1/2 hour before I come back and read to her. Her room was a mess and had toys everywhere so I told her she needed to clean it up before I got back up to read her a story. I figured she would just play and nothing would get done but when I came back up she had picked up all her toys and put them in the toy box! I was totally amazed. I praised her like crazy and told her what a good girl she was.
We read every night and recently have gone back and forth between two books, I love you forever and I'll always love you. She chose I'll love you forever last night. I cry everytime I read that book so I decided a few days back that I would leave out the part where the son rocks the mom and sings her the song. I did and did not cry at all. Lanie keeps waiting for me to cry now. She touches my eyes and says "no crying?" I tell her, "Not this time!" She loves it at the end end because I pick her up and rock her in my arms and sing the little song, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as Long as I'm living my baby you'll be." I sing it about 4 or 5 times and then she is ready to go to sleep. I put her back in bed, kiss her on the lips and on the head, she kisses me back on the lips and on the head and out goes the lights and she sleeps the rest of the night. I am so greatful that bedtime is not drama time! We are not so lucky at dinner time though!
I am always so amazed at how she is growing, how much she is learning and all the little things along the way. I always knew that I would love a child that I was able to raise but I never knew how much until Miss Lanie-loo!
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