As many of you know, Lanie is a Strong Willed Child (SWC). She can be defiant, argumentative and plain stubborn. So many times I have felt like an absolute failure when it comes to raising this child. Being a SWC is not a bad thing, and it can actually be good if she is guided properly. She can be a leader among her peers. She will be strong enough to not follow peer pressure and stumble in her teenage years as so many of us do. But the problem here is that I do not know how to guide her.
In an effort to not be THAT parent I read parenting books a lot. I have read The Kazdin Approach to Parenting and the Scream Free Parenting books in the last couple of weeks. They are both extremly good books and fit close together teaching the same basic principles. One of the things that struck me in the Scream Free Parenting book is that we are not responsible for our children, their behavior, their feelings or any of their choices. We are responsible to them for our behavior, feelings and choices. We cannot make them responsible for our reactions. I have always said things like "Lanie makes me so angry, upset or frustrated." That is not true. She is not responsible for these things, I am. I am the only one who can make myself feel anything.
Also in this book, it talks about how we need to take care of ourselves first to be able to take care of anyone else. The following is a direct quote from the book and I am really impressed by it:
"I love me, work on me, and build myself up so that I can come to you from a position of wholeness, a position of fullness. I take care of me so that you don't have to. From fullness I can then empty myself, my gifts, my love, my actions for your ultimate benefit. I am the only one in charge of me, and I am the one ultimately responsible for me and my well being. Therefore as a steward of my greatest gift, my life, I need to take steps to ensure my health, my calmness of mind, my sanity, and my own validation as a person in the world. Thus, I can free you from having to provide those things for me. Thus, I can truly serve you without needing you to serve me."
This totally touched me because if I don't see to my own needs I cannot expect anyone else to. I need to Focus on myself, Calm myself and Grow myself up!
One of the things that I decided to do was make a chore chart for Lanie and reward her when she does her chores by paying her. As a 5 year old, she is not making a lot of money but what she is making she is able to make the decision about what to buy with it. She is also able to do or not do whatever chore on the chart but understands that if she does not do the chore she does not get paid for it. She has been able to have money for the last few weeks so that when we go garage saling, she has her own money and gets to spend it on whatever she can afford. By doing this she is also learning that she runs out of money way before we run out of garage sales! But she is learning! It helps that I don't have to nag her either. I just tell her that if she does not pick up her toys, she does not get a star on her chart which leads to money in her pocket on Saturday. It works and I don't have to nag and yell. Win/win!
Also this weekend we started seeing a therapist. She spent the first session with my sister and I while John was in the waiting room with Lanie. She asked what was the reason we chose now to come to her. I immediatly told her that it was because I was turning into my mom. I was screaming and yelling like my mom did and I don't want to be that parent. She listened to us as we told her how the three of us parent this stubborn, strong willed child. She was amazed at the structure and schedule that we maintain. She complimented us on that and on the choice to come to her now rather than wait until Lanie was a teenager and totally out of control. She saw how committed we are to making a good home for Lanie and our desire to be the best parents we can for this little girl. Next week she will spend time with Lanie get to know her.
I feel such a weight lifted off my shoulders just for the fact that we took a positive step this week. This week we have homework from the therapist. We are supposed to write down the things that Lanie likes to see, hear, smell, taste and touch. I really like Angie, I think she will be good for all of us!
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